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2015, aromantic, aromanticism, asexual, asexuality, carnival of aces, gay, identity, labels, lesbian, may, relationships, sexuality
Recently, I’ve had to look very closely at myself and what I want out of my relationships.
Two years ago, this wasn’t an option. I was fighting so many battles that it was easier to go along with the norm than it was to wage a war to be myself. I needed someone on my side so badly that I didn’t care what they were taking from me.
Now, for the first time, I have some room to breathe, to think, to feel. And what I’ve found there is something that I don’t think I could have dealt with back then, especially in regards to my orientation and how I want to live my life.
Now I know that I’m an aromantic asexual with a preference for women.
In a way, accepting these labels is freeing. In another, it’s terrifying. Altogether, it’s a mouthful.
It was almost 6 months ago that I realized that I was asexual, or lacking sexual attraction. For the first time, I realized that being in a relationship didn’t mean that I had to have sex. For the first time, I knew that I wouldn’t have to be counting down how long it would take a relationship to end in order to protect my own mental health. For the first time, I could admit that I used sex as a method of self-harm and dissociation, rather than an expression of love and caring.
With an already shrunken dating pool, due to my attraction to the female form, I wondered how I would ever find someone who also shared the trait of asexuality. I had to question everything I’d been taught about what qualifies as an intimate relationship, a belief system that I’d already wrangled with for years. Worst of all, I had to ask myself whether I was truly asexual or just projecting my conservative, Pentecostal upbringing onto my ‘real’ orientation of homosexuality.
I struggled, but eventually moved past that dilemma with the realization that I’m actually asexual. Now, within the past month, I’ve realized that there’s another part of the puzzle. I’m also aromantic, or someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction.
I thought back to the three people I’ve loved in my life and realized that I was always deeply satisfied with those passionate friendships. My life was warm and beautiful and full of happiness when I had them in my life, though they all eventually moved on to get married to other people or lost contact with me. Suddenly, many unexplained aspects of my behavior and life clicked into place. I wanted to deny it, but the idea of being an aromantic fit me.
This combination of labels is sometimes really scary. With those labels, I’m turning my back on a lot of things and opening myself up to a lot more. For one thing that phrase, ‘aromantic asexual’, means that I’m going to have to deny the traditional relationship models of society even more than I already was by identifying as a lesbian. It means that many of the people in the straight and gay communities won’t understand me. It means I’ll have to wait, maybe for a long time, before I find someone who loves me and who I can love in return. Being labeled an aromantic asexual means that I’m more alone and invisible than ever.
However, understanding myself in this way also opens my life up to some pretty amazing things. It means that I don’t need to fake my way through relationships. It means that I can abandon the ‘normal’ relationship model for one that fulfills me as a person. Being an aromantic asexual means that I don’t have to be someone I’m not anymore and that I know where I stand on my boundaries and my interactions with other people. It means that I can be whoever I want, without worry of being a certain kind of attractive or desirable to any particular kind of person.
Like any other identity, being on the aro-ace spectrum is a bit of a mixed bag.
This month we’re supposed to talk about our ace identities, labels, and models. I really wish that I could contribute more to this topic, but I honestly don’t have the answers. I have my experiences, humble as they are, and my thoughts, but nothing in the way of hard-earned knowledge of any kind of model with regards to asexuality. I wish that I could talk more about the asexual labels, but this is the first time I’ve ever used them outside of my own head.
I would like to say though, that I’m grateful that I’ve discovered the aromantic, asexual identity. For the first time, I’m able to look at those ‘failed’ loves as misunderstandings, instead of betrayals. I’m able to be happy for their happiness and to treasure the good times as what I want to have in the future. I’m able to know what interactions I do and do not want, and act accordingly.
It’s going to be hard to face the difficulties that these identities might bring me in the future, but, through that same discovery, I also have more confidence in myself than I’ve ever had before. And that, to me, is what accepting an identity is all about. It’s about living without regret and without shame, despite what challenges it might bring you.
Put simply, it’s about living a life that’s worth the battles.
Flying While Falling Down 
I think it’s wonderful that you’ve come to accept and embrace those labels. I’m also asexual and (mostly) aromantic with a definite lean toward women, and it certainly does feel daunting. However, if you want to find someone, then you will. The right person is out there for you, whatever “right” will be for you. And that person will fall in love with the confidence you feel, because that’s an incredibly beautiful thing. 🙂
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Thank you for the wonderful comment! 🙂 I’d been really hesitant to write about this topic on here, but I felt like it needed to be said, since it IS a bit daunting to come to grips with. It’s so great to hear from other people who share the same–orientation? identity?– though 🙂
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I think it’s very healing and beneficial how all the complexities of people’s love and social natures are discussed these days, with these new descriptors such as asexual, aromantic, and so on, because it helps much more people to understand each other, and so, be more supportive and kind to each other, and, helps people not to feel like the only one who experiences love and relationships in the ways they do. I’m one of those people who don’t exactly fit into any of the gay bisexual or heterosexual spectrum, and, when I was younger a lot of lesbians I met had a problem with that, and I felt very isolated and alone. Hopefully, more people asserting that we need more labels than just gay straight or bisexual, is already changing a lot what I think is often a difficult climate for those not exactly in a box – the lesbian or mixed lgbtqa social scenes. My gruelling and soul-destroying experience as being out as a lesbian, bisexual, or just me, (I wavered around on which to choose), is kind of described here:
https://theylovedcamilleandnowintheshadows.wordpress.com/2015/05/10/my-response-to-coming-out-as-a-femme-lesbian/
I remember an advisor from the then Gay and Lesbian Switchboard I met when I was young, who said she couldn’t understand why I wanted a romantic relationship, asking me why I couldn’t just be content with making friends. Maybe she was aromantic? I met other lesbians who had that sentiment, (which made me feel invalidated and alone, as a romantic, but that’s just me), so I’m sure you’re not that rare – I think it just is often hard for many people to connect with others on the same love and relationships wavelength, speaking of random new social contacts we meet.
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For me, it definitely helped. I’d been trying so hard to conform to a certain kind of relationship, based on what I was taught as a Pentecostal woman, that I had a really terrible idea of what relationships were like.
I’m sorry to hear that you had such a tough time with the gay scene. If you don’t mind me asking, when was that? It seems like it was in the 80’s, since many of the gay bars(and people!) that I know are a bit more understanding now. As for the advisor, there’s a chance she was aromantic but I kind of get the vibe that she was more homophobic, based off of the story and the fact that many of the people in my family born in that time period told me that I was confusing ‘love’ for ‘friendship’.
Either way, thank you for the lovely comment!
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It was 1996 to about 2003 – but from what I hear from e-friends, such as from the Are You Coming Out As Femme article, very little has changed, which has been food for thought, and I do have my own theories about why. I think it’s possible the counsellor said that as I was, (am), a femme, and so she thought I was not a “real” or aka acceptable lesbian, like the ones she was going on about – androgynous ones, like herself, a so -called counsellor from the gay and lesbian switchboard. That counsellor experience was earlier than when I was outed – 1992I think. I always got from family, there’s no difference between having a close female friend and lesbianism, or at least no one would ever believe it there was, which was “just as bad” – I was only ever allowed to be close to males. I think a lot of bi romantic or homoromantic asexual get told that a lot – that it’s not possible to have a huge crush on someone or be in love with them unless you desire them physically. Which was never true for me.
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Hm, there does seem to be a definite leaning toward androgynous and masculine women in the lesbian community from what I’ve seen, though I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of knowledge about it. I don’t drink and hate crowds, so most of my ‘scene’ knowledge is from friends 🙂 I personally have been called a ‘fake’ lesbian and an ‘impostor’ from local lesbian groups, though, because of my aro-ace orientation. I’ve also had a lot of conversations where lesbians think that I’m repressing my homosexuality, which is a bit odd.
Haha, no doubt! I think what a lot of people don’t realize about homoromantic and biromantic people is that they know full and well what close friendship feels like and that it differs from how they feel when they’re in love with someone.
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Hey yes you get it – being in love doesn’t feel like love for a close friend! 🐱Those experiences of yours sound similar to mine as a Gray asexual heterosexual/pansexual mix, who’s bi romantic and once was only homoromantic – I feel for you having had that happen. I hope you had and found support away, (or from others in), those groups – of course if that ‘s what you want(ed).
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Exactly! They’re two different feelings, entirely. I’m somewhat alone in the LGBT community where I am now, since I’m the only asexual person I’ve seen there. Luckily, I’m fairly independent and don’t worry too much about whether I have support for my orientation or not 🙂
Weirdly enough, the main issue I’m having is women asking me out on a date, saying they understand my identity, and then completely disregarding what I’ve told them I want out of a relationship…
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hmmm selfish sorts
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A bit lol But, I can also understand how they must feel. In my age bracket and among sexual people in general, a denial of sex is often tied in with their self-esteem and their perception of self.
Also, I think a lot of these women assume that since aces ‘can’ have sex, that it means that sex isn’t a big deal(as long as the ace isn’t sex-repulsed). I discussed this a bit in the article, but many people don’t understand that, while I’m not repulsed by sex, it does make me increasingly depressed, because I can’t feel intimate with my partner during the act and I feel…well, used, to be honest.
That might be a discussion for another article though, since I’ve found that it’s a pretty common misconception, even though I only have my own experiences to go off of.
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There’s usually some misunderstandings when people are at the initial stages of getting to know each other. When it becomes a habit, or I suspect it’s not sincere …
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Right 🙂 At that point, it’s a bit of a raised eyebrow moment, haha.
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By the way, would you mind me asking who the artist was for your avatar? It looks so familiar!
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It’s of Marie during Plessis. Because of her inspiration for me.
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I mean, Marie du Plessis. Sorry for typo.
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I’ll have to check her out 🙂 Art is probably my main passion, aside from writing lol I can’t wait to buy art prints now that I have a full-time job!
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Marie du Plessis is the woman painted😃 I’ve no idea who the painter was.
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I just looked it up 🙂 It’s by Edouard Vienot. Marie seems like she’s way more interesting than the painter though lol
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Ps I do know it’s possible to have a close friend without feeling romantic about them. But I hope what I meant above still makes sense. Words again!
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Thank you for sharing all of this here. 😉 I’ve really appreciated reading it and some of your other posts, and the comments here. You had to go through quite the journey to get here, and I wish you had an easier time of it. But I’m so glad you’ve made it here now, and I wish you luck in the future. I just saw Laura (ace-muslim) write about being aromantic but inclined toward intense friendships with women — calling herself “homoplatonic”: http://ace-muslim.tumblr.com/post/118867474416/squishes-and-a-journey-of-learning-and-unlearning 😉 It’s definitely not an unheard of experience, so you certainly should just keep in mind that you are not alone.
Personally, I’m asexual and… maybe aromantic, maybe not, I’m not sure. I’m also unsure if I have a gender preference. 😉
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Thank you for the comment 🙂 Thank you for the sympathy, as well. I was pretty deeply entrenched in the normativities back then and had no idea what I was feeling or why I seemed so different. Nowadays, it’s much better!
I’ll definitely check out ace-muslim’s blog, and yours too 🙂 It’s very nice to meet you!
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Thanks for sharing your story! Although we have very different life stories, we seem to be converging on a similar place as I also am an aro ace with an inclination towards women (I don’t identify as a lesbian as I don’t feel I really belong in that community and am too different from its norms). There’s a lot to learn, and a lot also to unlearn. I wish you the best on your journey.
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Thank you Laura 🙂 It means a lot! It’s really amazing to meet someone else who shares my identity ^_^
I’m definitely beginning to learn that being an aro-ace puts me at odds(somewhat) with the lesbian community, and the LGBT community, in general. However, it’s a label I haven’t quite been able to let go of so far 🙂 If you don’t mind me asking, do you ever find that it’s harder to identify as an aro-ace than as a woman attracted to other women? I do, personally, but I’m curious as to whether that’s my own personal quirk 😉
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Sorry for the delay in responding as I didn’t see your reply until now! I don’t feel any internal conflict about identifying as aro ace, because the feelings I have for women are so obviously NOT romantic. I’ve also seen or gotten to know online a number of women who are on the aromantic spectrum who are in queerplatonic relationships or other non-romantic relationships with other women and this has been immensely helpful to me in visualizing what I would like to have in any future relationship. I think the key is to actively look for others who are like you in the community and make it a priority to learn from them or connect with them. I suspect there are more of us out there than most people realize!
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Haha, it’s fine 🙂 I’ve been slowly learning about queerplatonic and non-romantic relationships and it’s given me a lot to think about. I still don’t know how a relationship would work, personally, but it’s a huge relief to know that there are options.
Curiously, I never realized that my feelings for women were platonic, because I fell in love with them and thought that that meant I was attracted to them in a sexual and romantic way.
I’m not sure if there’s any aro-aces in my area, but I’m considering talking to my local LGBT center about making a meetup event if there are. 🙂
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I am sorry about your relationship regarding sex, that it makes you depressed.
I hate the way society forces sex down our throats, that sex must be done if you love your partner, of course this ties to rape culture. I do not agree with compulsory sexuality at all.
I am a grey asexual and am kind of sex repulsed, I find it dirty and gross at times.
If sex is the ultimate expression of love and intimacy, why can’t it be innocent, clean and fresh, like the clean air going through out your body? What I do know is that unless the sexual part of the human ego is thwarted, romantic partners will have expectations of sex and will leave you if you don’t give them what they want. This is similar to how people pressure you into smoking but make you feel horrible if you prefer not to do it. Most sex in the world is selfish sex because it is expected. If however sex is given freely as a gift, without lust attached to it, it becomes more about love instead of pleasure. “Sex is optional but if it ever happens it must be a gift and not an obligation” this belief if universal would make sex much less painful for anyone, including you.
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Thanks for the comment 🙂 You bring up some really great points! I personally have always felt that love should feel refreshing for both parties involved.
I also really like your quote about sex 🙂
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