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aromantic, aromanticism, asexual, asexuality, coming out, experiences, human, relationships, romantic, what it's like
It took me a really long time to come to terms with my aromanticism. Being an aromantic means that I don’t have romantic attraction. A lot of people assume that this means I can’t be loving, friendly, or even sociable. A lot of people also assume that I’m a prude and a whiny ‘trend follower’ by being openly aro.
What a lot of people don’t realize is how it feels to be an aromantic person who’s in a romantic relationship.
There Was Just So Much Stress
I’m a very loving and compassionate person. I like helping people and it makes me feel happy to see others happy. That doesn’t change in a relationship, but what the person I’m dating expects from me does.
In a relationship, I’m always wondering if I’m doing ‘it’ right. I always worry that my partner isn’t happy because I’m not happy. I steadily get more depressed as the relationship goes on, despite loving the person I’m with. I don’t understand why my partners get upset with me for doing my own thing. I don’t understand why we have to be together all the time and I begin to wish they would leave me alone. Even the most accommodating relationship left me feeling frustrated and tied down by the label ‘girlfriend’.
Being in a relationship was like being in a cage where each day chipped away at who I was and how much I could stand, even when I loved the person I was with.
Other People Didn’t Understand
And I don’t talk about it anymore, for the most part.
I used to talk about having those feelings of disconnect with what friends my partner and I shared. I wanted to know how I could deal with those issues. That was when words like ‘selfish’, ‘bitch’, and ‘cold’ were generally used. So, I’d apologize and walk away, wondering why I felt like ‘love’ was drowning me when everyone else seemed to be flying. At one point, I even started taking anti-depressants in the hopes that those feelings would disappear. They didn’t.
And then, someone would talk to my partner and warn them that I wasn’t satisfied.
Instead of talking or backing off, my partners would generally try to be even closer to me physically. When those advances were rejected or I wasn’t responding ‘enough’, we would argue. Most of the time, our friends would side with my partner and I would feel horribly alone.
Breakups Were Messy…For Them and My Stuff
The breakups were the worst in a lot of ways. Once everything reached a boiling point, it was almost always my partner that ended things.
They even used the same reasons each time. I was ‘not committed’, I was ‘not in love with them’, I only ‘treated them like a friend’. I hated it when they said I didn’t love them, because I did. Trying to explain my feelings wasn’t something I could do back then though—I didn’t have a word for why I felt that way.
I rarely cried, or if I did, I cried because I knew how bad I’d hurt them. Even then, I was generally so relieved to be out of that situation that I was happy soon after. This hurt them more, which I didn’t understand. It was only after several incidents where my exes tried to ‘get back at me’, that I realized that not everyone felt relief when a relationship ended.
There Was No Alternative Then
Now, I look back at those relationships and wish I’d known that I was aromantic. Maybe I’d still be with one of those people today. But, back then, there would be a period of singledom, usually about three to six months and then I’d be dating once more.
It wasn’t even that I wanted to date! Either my friends would comment on my single status, and try to convince me that I’d be happier as a couple, or I would wish for the intimacy and companionship that only seemed available in romantic relationships because I was lonely.
And then the cycle would start again, just as unfulfilling and confining as the one before.
It’s So Much Better Now
Now that I’m able to live openly as an aromantic person, it’s much better. Yeah, I have to explain what it is a lot and yeah, most people look at me like I have a communicable disease or something, but I’m happy.
For the first time, I realize that passionate friendships and queerplatonic relationships are possible. I realize that I’m not cold or heartless just because I can’t do the whole relationship thing. I know that there are others like me and that I can finally use the right words to explain how I feel.
There’s nothing ‘wrong’, or ‘weird’, or ‘bad’ about being an aromantic. For me, realizing that I’m not obligated to be, nor interested in, romantic relationships was one of the best feelings in the world.
What are your relationships like as an aromantic person? What were they like before you realized you were aro?
Flying While Falling Down 
It is so great that you are so unapologetically yourself now. I believe everyone has a right to be happy by giving others only what it makes them happy to give and no more, as far as personal relationships go. No one should have to fit into a romantic or aromantic blueprint to avoid hostility from others. I think I have mentioned, I’ve had criticisms for being romantic. That was terrible too
I think it’s so helpful to talk about how people differ and that diversity is okay.
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I think it is so helpful because it manages expectations.
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Thanks, Nienna 🙂
Realizing that I’m aro ace definitely helped with managing expectations! I think that everyone has their own path to walk when it comes to sexuality and romance. 🙂
You’re spot on about the blueprint thing! One reason why I didn’t realize I was aromantic is because I love grand, sweeping gestures of romance–such as flowers, holding chairs out, kissing a lady’s hand, etc. It was just the idea of a romantic RELATIONSHIP that always felt a bit like a prison sentence to me lol
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I’m not really informed on this stuff. I should read more on it. Does being aro mean not wanting a relationship where you each prioritise each other above others, with the addition of commitment/dependability? I mean, I am polyamorously, (polyromantically) inclined so not necessarily going to prioritise just one significant other over others I love, or expect that back from anyone either, but I still resonate with devotion and dependability of care and attention among a very few people. By the way I hope you don’t mind me asking this; please excuse if I should just go to Google or Aven or something.
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I don’t mind at all, though I’d definitely recommend AVEN if I don’t explain it well. 🙂
Being aromantic doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t want a relationship with intimacy and commitment. It just means that I don’t feel romantic attraction to anyone so I find that intimacy and commitment in a different way than most people.
In my case, that means that I prioritize and value friendships–particularly intense, platonic friendships–instead of romantic relationships.
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Thanks for the explanation. I think.I see what you mean.
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Glad I could help 🙂
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Do you think aromanticism is caused by the value system and attitudes aromatics are brought up/raised with? I’m thinking about before I was 15, when my father was a socialist, and all his socialist and especially, non-Catholic-type-Christian Socialist friends, (Catholics are very family-orientated) – the whole life of those people was about helping the downtrodden in society, exhausting themselves tending to the homeless, the addicted, the persecuted, the sick, within wider humanity, and they all seemed to neglect their own partners and families for those people, and many times I heard my father and them saying, it was a terrible thing to put your family before your friends or the downtrodden, unless, of course, your family were worse off, which they never were, (my father chose my mother because she was so strong and independent. Unlike his beloved friends, whom he devoted all his money and time to). I remember how dad was always in the middle of some intense bromance with some alchoholic, gambling man – how he’d bring these into our home and when mammy said, it’s him or me, would choose him – for a while – and, we’d move out of the house mammy was paying for …
My mother was always Catholic, and had conservative social attitudes from that. I guess as my dad didn’t come home to us all that often, I took more influence from her, and she always stressed to never let myself get too close to friends as people almost always put their spouses, lovers and families first, so I would end up without sufficient care to fall back on in times of on going need, such as illness, if I did. And I always have taken that to heart, and, I feel that’s very definitely shaped my attitude to prioritising romance, in that I’m afraid of getting too close to friends – actually very afraid, I’d say. I would say I’ve always put up blockages against friends getting close to me, quite consciously, due to believing my mum’s teaching, which was drummed into me all through my teens.
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I would say that it’s a possibility that how I was raised to act in a romantic relationship made it impossible for me to have my own agency in that relationship. Like you, I was also raised in a highly conservative religious household. In my case, however, I was told never to have friends and was raised from the time I was old enough to understand to be the perfect wife–a person who was solely and utterly devoted to their husband.
However, who can say whether my aromanticism was caused by that or something else? For me, the reasons behind it are less important than the opportunity that viewing life through that lens provides me with. It allows me to understand my own life on a deeper level and to create healthy relationships that I wouldn’t be able to have otherwise.
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Obviously I can’t know why you or others are a romantic, only you can know if anyone, but I think people tend to want what they’re forbidden to have. Forbidden fruit is desirable and perhaps intriguing.
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Maybe. I can understand why aromanticism might come off as a rebellious/forbidden fruit-type thing, but it isn’t–at least for me.
If nothing else, the idea of forbidden fruit indicates that you’re gaining something out of the act of rebellion. However, by identifying as both asexual and aromantic, I’m closing off several avenues when it comes to having a relationship, a life partner, and even friendships.
However, on the other side of the ‘gain’ token, it’s not a reward for me to be alone either; especially since I enjoy being social and having people I’m close to and intimate with.
In the end, the reason behind identifying as an aromantic, for me, is because it’s the only way I can imagine feeling comfortable in my life and in my own skin. It’s a chance–however small–of finding someone who doesn’t expect more of me than I can give and who I can give what I have without fearing that it isn’t enough.
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I don’t grasp how aromatics can’t have friends because friendships are non romantic relationships – as I understand it – but you’ve already been kind enough to explain enough and I should read Aven or another info resource. I do wish you luck and happiness in your journey and life.
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I don’t know that AVEN would be able to help with that particular question, so let me give it a try.
It’s not that aromantics can’t have friends, it’s that we generally can’t have the friends we want. The majority of people think of friendship as being a lower priority than a romantic relationship. This often results in a friend disappearing or creating a boundary that the friendship can’t cross into, which leaves the aromantic’s emotional needs unfulfilled.
For aromantics like me, who desire intense, platonic friendships, this is somewhat akin to trying to seriously date someone who is ‘playing the field’. In my experience, this often doesn’t work well for either party.
Of course, we CAN have friends that we don’t desire that closeness with, but it becomes more difficult to ‘keep it casual’ the longer the friendship goes on, particularly if there’s any kind of emotional closeness involved.
Thank you for the well wishes and I hoped that helped to answer your question. I’ll see about writing a post addressing friendships among aromantics, since I feel there’s a lot more that can be said.
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Thank you – yes, I think I see what you mean, now, because friendships can be intense, but that’s usually either only between romantic relationships, or, only for a period of time – friendships change, people often say that, but it must feel so painful to want the intense closeness to continue – for life? Indefinitely? – when it usually doesn’t – I, even as a romantic, have been deeply upset by, and mourned for, close friends who “moved on”, before I was ready for them to move on.
Just a throw away suggestion, okay – I live in England and what’s normal here really is for people to be secular, so I don’t have a great deal of familiarity with all the different Christian denominations, or, know hardly anything about Pentecostalism, but one thing I have noticed in my life is that Christians are the one group of people who talk about loving others in a non romantic and non sexual way – meaning in a brother sister sort of way. And here, the Methodists, now as always, are extremely focused upon helping others in their misfortunes, such as the hungry, the homeless and so on – as an expression of platonic, they would say Christ’s, love – and I gather that it tends, that denomination, to have a liberal leaning. So if you like to minister to others and have a faith in Jesus, maybe you could find a more accepting social environment with them? I know this might sound a bit strange, but I’ve found a lot of self medicators, with addictions, are not really inclined towards committed relationships – their self medicating is part of a search for a transcendent spiritual experience which isn’t limited by ordinary human bonds. Take care.
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That should have read committed romantic relationships, above – sorry.
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It’s fine 🙂 Sorry for the late reply!
Unfortunately, I don’t have a belief in Jesus, or at least, not the same idea as what the majority of Christians seem to hold. In my teen years, Even though Christianity does encourage the agape(Christ-like) love that you refer to, it’s usually not shown in the way you would expect.
Christians are generally divided by denomination and church, with most of the congregants not associating with each other outside of the church. Likewise, even though many denominations show loving kindness to the unfortunate and disenfranchised, the most communal support for the actual members of the church come in the form of prayers and vague well wishes.
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No problem, I understand. Oh okay. Here the Methodists and Salvation Army seem to help everyone, not just members of their own denomination – but, I’m aware things differ socially from culture to culture; as I said, it is normal or usual to be secular in Britain, though a small proportion go to Christian churches, and I’m aware that’s not the case in the US, so already there’s one difference there between your culture and mine, and you will understand how things are there for church goers.
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Reblogged this on The Thinking Asexual and commented:
This is a really good and valuable post about what it’s like to be in romantic relationships when you’re aromantic and romance-repulsed/romance-averse/generally uncomfortable with romantic relationships. I recommend you read it to get a better handle on what aromanticism can feel like from the inside, especially when it clashes with romance. And if you think all aros are “heartless” or uncaring assholes, including and especially in romantic relationships, then you should definitely read this to see how wrong you are.
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Thank you for the re-post!
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I think it’s great that you finally broke free and opened up to more deep relationships. These are the kind of relationships that I can go for, I tried romance but it didn’t work. I watch how romance works for others but there are barely happy endings, so I decided to avoid those types of relationships.
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Thank you for the kind words! 🙂
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“The majority of people think of friendship as being a lower priority than a romantic relationship. This often results in a friend disappearing or creating a boundary that the friendship can’t cross into, which leaves the aromantic’s emotional needs unfulfilled.” <– This is such an excellent point.
I think perhaps as a "close personal" relationship evolves, there is a lot of societal programming that tells people the tendency to want to also be able to sort of go off and still do your own thing means that the relationship is moving toward separation, not that it can continue to ebb and flow. That's certainly a recipe for someone getting more desperate as they feel the relationship slipping away, when really it might not be slipping away at all. And if YOU'RE OK with the separation, the last thing you want is someone getting more desperate.
I don't know how that negotiation gets better unless the two people in the relationship are totally secure with themselves, and unfortunately I think that takes a LOT of time and probably a number of ruined relationships left in the dust until it's learned. "Most of the time, our friends would side with my partner and I would feel horribly alone." <– because they have received the same societal programming as the rest of us.
It's going to take a while for us all to deconstruct the very idea of what relationships are. The right-wingers and religious folk are going to have to come kicking and screaming with us.
I'm 46, and wish I would have learned there was such a thing as asexual/aromantic three decades ago. I would probably be a very different person today. Certainly would have spent thousands less on medications.
Cheers. (not my real name below – still 'in hiding' on this, unfortunately)
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Nice to see that my post resonated with you 🙂
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Wow, I came to read this post out of curiosity but this has resonated so strongly with me, I might have to go back to questioning my romantic orientation…
I totally relate to the caged feeling, the relief when the relationship ends (mixed with regret for hurting the other person), and all of my relationships have basically started out as friendships that kind of morphed into something more…
Could I be aro?
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That’s up to you to decide.
I’m glad to hear that my experiences resonated with you! If you want to know more about aromanticism, you might check out AVEN, one of the other aromantic blogs, or some of the posts I have here about my aromantic experience 🙂
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I found this very interesting because my own experience of being aro (or aro spectrum perhaps) and in a reletionship is almost the exact opposite of whats described here. For me, I’ve always wanted the commitment and extream, even constant, closeness, while being very very put off by ” grand romantic gestures” hearts and flowers, etc. These things have always struck me as munipultive and vaguely creepy.
Perhaps romance repulsed is a better description for me?
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Everyone views life through a different lens. 🙂
Personally, I enjoy the grand romantic gestures because they’re over-the-top and dramatic, which appeals to me on an individual level. 🙂 Also, it’s a not-so-serious way to show the person I’m with that I care about them.
As for whether romance-repulsed is a better description? I’m honestly not sure. That’s something to ask yourself.
My two cents on the subject is that the trappings of romance (grand romantic gestures) are a different beast altogether from actual romance, which is what the commitment/closeness thing sounds like to me. 🙂
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This was a great article (?) It was definitely very informative. I so have a quick question though. For a while now, ive been considering the possibility of me being aro. It wasn’t really something I had ever thought about, but it kind of makes sense for me, and confuses me so much too. Like, everyone I know is looking for love, and marriage, and all that, but Ive always been conpletely opposed ti the idea. I dont really know why, but romantic feelings completely gross me out, like if someone is talking to me about how they love someone, all I can think about is a mixture of “oh thats nice” and “*intense gagging*” I also dont really think ive ever been IN love with anyone, but I always considered it that way, rather than just deeply care about them. This all makes it easy for me to believe that I am, in fact, aro, but then I also crave physical affection or closeness. Like, I want to hold hands, and cuddle, and hug, and all that too. Which just confuses me, because I feel like that goes against being aro? If that makes any sense? After all that, my question is can you be aromantic and still crave attention like that? Or is there another,ore accurate term? Or I just a big mess of contradictions wrapped in a bow? Lol
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Hey Rachel! Let me start off by saying that only you can know whether or not being aromantic is the right label for you. From the sound of your comment, it seems like aro perspectives might be something for you to look into though 🙂
Wanting physical affection is definitely okay for an aro. So often the idea of touch is equated with romance, but that’s not accurate. I personally enjoy holding hands, cuddling, and hugs as well, because those are ways for me to communicate that I care to the people I love.
In the end though, there’s no WRONG way to be aromantic. If you decide that that’s how you want to label yourself, then you’re an aromantic and however you act on that label is how an aromantic acts.
Good luck on your journey! 😀
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Wow, I think you’re the only person who didnt make me more confused lol (maybe its cause I mostly just asked a couple friends and my mom, who understand little to nothing about this stuff) but yeah, ill definitely have to do some more research, thats for sure lol
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Glad to hear it 🙂 If you ever need to talk things through, feel free to contact me. I probably can’t give you any answers, but I’ll listen!
WordPress has a lot of great aromantic blogs and AVEN has a section for aromantics, as well. They’d definitely be worth checking out if you haven’t already 🙂
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I’m so happy that I stumbled across your writings.
I think I am aro and I had no idea that it was a ‘thing’
..
I have been struggling with figuring out what I want out of relationships, polyamory was the closest I could agree with conceptually but I am not very interested in the sex part (maybe sometimes secondarily?) .. but being able to have multiple equally important emotionally intimate relationships is something that I think defines my only desire to connect with other people at all … What you write about the disintegration of ‘romantic’ relationships from your viewpoint as ‘girlfriend’ resonates with me and my experiences so deeply …
Wow !!!
Thank you for sharing your experience…
Emma
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Welcome to my blog 🙂 I’m glad you’ve liked it so far!
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Thank you so much for your wonderful article! I was in a romantc relationship before, when I was 22. It was my first and only relationship, I had rejected guys earlier but that one I loved and wanted in my life – except that I didn’t want a romantic relationship. I didn’t identify as aromantic back then (I didn’t even know the term), but I asked him repeatedly to be (very close, best, committed) friends. He declined, telling me that I should not struggle against being happy. Finally, I gave in. I really enjoyed feeling “normal”, and I enjoyed being close to him, but I hated being a “girlfriend”, I felt terribly insecure and really not in the right place. I struggled with depression back then (as I had before and afterwards as well), I became extremly moody, even aggressive, hurting him sometimes profoundly and intentional without even knowing, why. I finally took medication against pathological aggression. It was like a rollercoaster ride between love and hatred, and a constant feeling of being inadequate and fear of being rejected. At last, I was diagnosed with Borderline Syndrome. For the records, I am not Borderline at all, I am not impulsive, I hate mood swings, I hate drama, I never harmed myself before (although I started out of confusion and because I wanted to fit the diagnosis) etc. But at that time it seemed to fit my relationship style. After two years we broke up, for more than one reason, but my behaviour certainly added to that. He mentioned that he couldn’t deal with my depression any longer and felt he loved me less. I was su releived! It was like a burden fell off my shoulders. At first, I wanted to be in another relationship, because I missed that feeling of closeness, but after some months and after I had interest in another guy, I realised it was not a romantic relationship I craved, but something I would call, now, a queerplatonic relationship. I feel releived, I finally feel like I am myself, and by and by my environment accepts that I am not into romantic relationship. Luckily, I have good friends who are okay with being friends instead of lovers.
Thank you for making us visible and showing the world we are loving, caring people although not in the normatve way.
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Very beautiful article, thank you for it. I am sorry that you had to go through such pain, I think romantic partners put too much expectation and neediness in their partner, relationships of any kind are doomed to being damaged if there is too much expectation and neediness.
I am an aromantic, I told that to some people I know, some didn’t understand it (not surprising) others weren’t into romantic relationships themselves. What I would love is an ardent friendship, not a romance, not a queerplatonic relationship, and not a passionate friendship (which is too similar to romantic relationships for me) I want ardent friendships. Strong friendships that are high in intensity and affection but that is not treated like the central part of my life so much that I throw other relationships (excluding romantic) under the bus. I would like the expectation and the neediness to be low, I would love to be an ardent friend, like a spiritual friendship, similar to the friendship that children have together but with more vehement emotions. If I could have one of those I will be joyous, but it has to be with another aromantic. I don’t think I can have these relationships with a romantic person without them eventually becoming romantically interested in me.
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I’ve never heard the term “Ardent Friendship” before, and I had to Google the definition of “ardent” because it’s kind of a fancy vocabulary word… but I really like what you’re describing. I think that’s what I want too! It helps me to understand myself better, for sure. So thanks for commenting here, and I’m grateful I happened to be tracking the comments on this post of lengray’s!
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Hi. I am really glad I stubled upon your article but I am in need of some help.
I’m pretty sure my boyfriend is aromantic (although he might not realise it himself), as he fits most of your description to the touch. We have been dating for a couple of months and I know he likes me and I like him back quite a lot. He doesn’t really care for grand romantic gestures and he is not interested in being with me 24/7, which I of course completely accept as a part of our relationship.
His past relationships have never lasted longer than the point where we’re at right now and I’m just wondering if you have any tips for me not accidentally screwing everything up? Anything I should be aware of?
I know people probably experience aromanticy differently but please just talk from your own experiences. What shouldn’t I expect of him, for example? How do I make sure he is happy in our relationship?
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Hi Anne!
Well, the most important thing in a relationship is communication and honesty. Sit down and have a talk about what each of you want out your relationship. I feel as though a lot of my relationships(which also didn’t usually last more than a few months) failed because my partner and I assumed that we were on the same wave-length when we were very obviously not.
Talking about each other’s boundaries and how to respect those boundaries is also pretty important.
I’d highly recommend that you check out AVEN at http://www.asexuality.org and check out the Friends and Loved Ones page or the Romantic Orientation sub-forum 🙂
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I really enjoyed your article. ＼(^o^)／
I’m not an aromatic person but I’m trying to begin a relationship with an aromantic guy. I’m seriously trying to understand him because we are really close friends and also I love him so much. Your article help me so much, thanks. But I want to know if you have some suggestions for me about what should I do to make it more easy for him. Because this will be his first relationship I really want to make him happy.
Thanks for the article 😉
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Communication is key in any form of relationship. I’d highly recommend talking to him and seeing where his boundaries are. Does he want a romantic relationship or a strong friendship? What level of touch would be expected? Where does he stand on the particular things you would want from him? Things like that are really important to talk about.
If he’s openly aro, he probably has a pretty firm grasp of where he stands and you might have to examine your own expectations as well, since a relationship with an aromantic person is different than a relationship with a romantic. For more information or advice, you might also try http://www.asexuality.org, which is a great resource for both asexuals and aromantics, as well as their partners.
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I love this. There was so much peace within me when I discovered aromanticism and realized that I might be aromantic sexual.
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This was great thank you! Im 28 and have had ‘ your heartless’ ‘ you havent met the right person’ all my life! But since ive heard of this term I feel this is what I am. 😻
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I’m glad that you found a label that fits you 🙂 Thanks for reading and for the comment, they both mean a lot to me.
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I’ve had several guys I thought I had a crush on, but when I think about it, they are always someone I’ve known for while and usually chosen consciously as a crush. I behave in the typical behavior, but not very convincingly, and I felt nothing when it ends. After a period of time, it just takes too much work and the feelings I thought I suppose to feel just go away without trace.
When a man forms a romantic attachment, I was just so uncomfortable I wanted to run away. The suffocating feeling is something I always feel whenever we start to explore the possibility of romantic relationship. I love hugs, holding hands, cuddles, but I get irritated when people equates that with romantic relationship. And the romance implicit in it ruins my delights of the hugs and cuddle. I got called a tease, a difficult girl, emotionally unavailable, high maintenance, cruel, and selfish because I didn’t understand why not wanting to be someone’s girlfriend means we couldn’t do the things we usually did anymore.
The idea of romance and romantic gestures make me smile, but having it done to me left me cold. I live in fear that my friends find a new romantic relationship and leave me behind. My dream is to live together with my best friends and cats until we are old and grey. When they think I joke about this, I quietly yearn for this to be reality. I am an aromantic and I just realized this a few hours ago.after 32 years of thinking that I am broken, emotionally stunted, and hopeless. Thank you. I finally feel I’m not alone.
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